A Tale of Two Chicas

An Idea of Sorts August 13, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 12:26 pm
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Imagine what you want. Break down the details and yet see no solution. Or maybe the solution you see isn’t the one that you expected and much less wanted.

An idea so simple yet so powerful. To love an idea is such a false misconception one brought upon ourselves daily. We learn to trust, believe and have faith in ideas. Willing to learn and forgive with the hopes of our own personal growth.

Perception is foolish. Doing what makes you feel good isn’t always easy. What feels good is sometimes more dangerous than you may think. A grand risk taken each time makes you wonder: “Am I really this crazy?” — Yeah, probably.

We welcome everything we want in our lives to happen. Sometimes it gets hard, misinterpreted, often miscommunicated. When does square one begin again? Or why do we even bother to continue with the same idea again?

The love of an idea can be a very scary feeling. The love of something that isn’t attainable, real or even physical – that can be the most dangerous to yourself.

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a karmatic event. June 10, 2011

I’m deserving of relationships that will:

– protect me – fight for me – love me as is – support me – adore me – admire me – respect me – appreciate me – accept me – hold me – learn from me – challenge me – entertain me –

Yes, those are a lot of me, me, me’s. I’m just in that me mode today. I have a tendency to give too much of myself too often. Perhaps that’s just the woman in me. I give:

Love – respect – appreciation – support – kindness – admiration – protection – guidance – value -challenge – motivation – credit

Forgiveness is hard sometimes, how far does one have to be pushed to a point of no return? How many times can opportunity be given to someone? At what point do we realize those things? My biggest problem (I’ve been told by many) is that I have this giant sized heart full of solid strong love and curiosity. Its a dangerous mix trust me. The ability to love, forgive and question isn’t an easy process to put yourself through, and I have several times this past year.

I once said: “I never want to put myself in a situation where I feel limited by my relationships and felt as if I owed them something.” Perhaps this karmatic event is a repercussion of not only my stupidity, but my inability to let go of what has never been.

 

runnin’. June 8, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 3:08 pm
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I have two jobs both in the loop. I love running from job A to job B. Switching on and off between roles keeps me happy.

I think I’m even happier with my inability to really think. I’m just doing. Work – strategy – love – laughing.

Is this the lifestyle I wanted? I think so. As much as I strive off of consistency and structure, I’m happier just doing this. I like looking at the people on the street wondering where they are going. Each day here I realize how disconnected I’m becoming from this city. In the loop I get to experience the urban elements I love, only to realize that they can only exist between certain times and certain days of the week. Funny how that reflects a lot of my relationships.

 

dreams, or something. June 7, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 9:44 am
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I keep having this reoccuring dream where I’m living through a series of past events. I continue to feel hopeless and I begin to cry. I want an explanation about something yet I can never seem to ask the question fully. I stop myself because I’m too scared, too unsure and so nervous. So weird right? It shouldn’t have to be that way but its what I’ve been dreaming. I don’t like it.

There is no worst feeling than when your mind gets so hung up on idea that you cannot carry out on. I think I want something or I’m looking for something, obviously I’m having no luck.

 

Loopty Loop. June 1, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 3:18 pm
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Yay!! June 1st is here. I survived my final month at my old store after all. I’m back downtown working in the loop, good times indeed.

I can see why people like to stay and think that Chicago is the place to be. You’re free to pick and choose whatever type of lifestyle you’d like. Yes, that’s true. I can easily settle into one of the city neighbourhoods buy a wonderful home and settle my ass down forever if I wanted to. I can move into what Chicagoans call “trendy” neighbourhoods and live among artists, hipsters, and college kids. I can move to the loop: live among the expensive, over priced, fast paced Monday thru Friday people. The point is that Chicago’s lifestyles are endless, there are several options to pick from. Finding the right one that feels right can be a bit overwhelming.

So my point is this: yes I work in the loop now, yes I like it, and yes I still don’t expect anything else to change. Because for whatever reason no matter how much change one can create for themselves in this city- some how you’re limited to experiencing a full range of change. As my father says: “learn to live here, stop complaining, and settle or move the hell out. If you move out of Chicago and return you’ll see nothing has changed people stay the same.”

I feel like everything right now for this moment is exactly where its supposed to be.

 

Fiddling Farce May 31, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 12:45 pm
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we cannot survive on isolated happy moments alone. no matter how wonderful they are, how good they used to make you feel, or how comfortable they can so easily become.

I have these moments I can sometimes fall into. Where I carefully dissect information, trying to find connections between thoughts, feelings and actions. Interesting enough- I never quite find a solution. I think I’m okay with that. Meh.

 

I dont know. May 29, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 2:54 am
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I know exactly what is in that little heart of mine. I can’t seem to express it enough. I’m just seeing this wall of—-
Well, more a smoke and mirrors factor. It isn’t new. I don’t seem to learn and I’m foolish for that. I can easily say she’s equally as foolish. But maybe after all, the joke is on me.