A Tale of Two Chicas

Life plan October 27, 2011

Filed under: Pittsburgh Chica — Sonia @ 12:30 pm
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Since I graduated with my bachelor’s in journalism in 2008 and never got that tv news reporter gig I always wanted, I’ve been kind of a lost soul. I didn’t have a Plan B and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It was literally a, “Shit…now what?,” kind of thing. Even now, in grad school, I still want to do like 15 million different things. I think I’m starting to figure every thing out though. Slowly but surely. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I’m serious about it to the point where I’m making a checklist and timeline. My friends, below is just a rough draft of my Life Plan.

    Sonia’s Life Plan

•After not only feeling but being sheltered by my family, I want to live in different places, experience life and “see what’s out there.” Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. In Mexican culture, family is important. We stick together. We stay together. I’m very traditional when it comes to family. However, I felt so sheltered from the world. My parents had a heart attack when I moved out of the house at 21. I was literally 15 mins. away but it was still a huge deal. They died when I moved to Pittsburgh. I love, love, love my family but cut the damn umbilical cord. I plan to leave Pittsburgh once I finish school but, I realized I don’t want to move back to Chicago just yet. I plan live in the following places, each for a year (I’m still iffy on the order) and my parents are just going to have to deal with it:

-Seattle, WA
-Bend, OR
-Austin, TX
-Minneapolis, MN
-Montana (Don’t know where yet)
-Denver, CO

•Both my legal business/law and public relations for non-profits classes are inspiring me. With all the current law/legal issues I’m learning about and all the good I’m learning about non-profits, I really feel like I want to give my skills to organizations in need. Something that’s really intriguing me are opportunities in grant writing and reviewing grant proposals. Honestly, I don’t know where to start. I’ve never had experience in grant writing but that’s why I’m in school. I don’t know how to get my foot in the grant writing door but I’ll figure it out.

•When I’m done with the two bullet points above, I guess I’ll get married and pop out kids. Even though I’m not really into the idea of marriage & kids, I do need a daughter to pass down my mom’s ring.

 

I’m the crazy lady that cries at work July 13, 2011

Filed under: Pittsburgh Chica — Sonia @ 10:55 am
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I just embarrassed myself today and made a stranger and her child feel incredibly awkward. This woman comes in with her child and all I could think about is how he resembles my 12-year-old nephew both physically and socially. He was very tall, dark, chubby, quiet as a mouse and introverted just like my nephew.

I’m speaking with the woman while I continuously glance at the boy and I start to get teary and choke up. She didn’t say anything but from the look on her face she became uncomfortable and probably thought I was a crazy idiot (and rightfully so).

How embarrassing.

 

Where can I reorder some resilience? May 14, 2011

Filed under: Pittsburgh Chica — Sonia @ 2:35 am
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It’s hard coming from a big city where all you know is there. Family, friends and your whole life is there. What defined you as a person is there. And that’s what no one gets over here. Everyone thinks it’s easy and it’s not.

I really thought I could start building a foundation of friends over here and that hasn’t been the case. On top of the people being very unwelcoming here, it’s been hard trying to keep a consistent number of friends. Surprisingly, I met a guy here and even more surprisingly he has been the only consistent thing I’ve had here in Pittsburgh. No one else has stuck around.

I feel like all I’ve done in this city is to try and be resilient. It’s at the point where I’m tired of trying to be resilient. Why can’t things just be easy so I wouldn’t have to be resilient in the first place? My resilience and strength has been tested several times from several different situations. I just think that this time around, I’m all out of resilience and strength.

 

judgements. April 28, 2011

I’ve never been able to understand the perspectives of peoples relationships. That’s one thing that has never, ever, ever made any sense to me. I suppose that at times its much easier to maintain unhealthy-comfortable-drama infused relationship than walk away. I think that there are times in this life and times in relationships that require a break, willing or unwilling whichever, time is often necessary. Self preservation, self respect and most importantly self love.

“I love myself enough to know that its time to walk away.”

“I love myself enough to know its time to take a break.”

“I love myself enough to wish peace upon others and wish happiness upon them.”

My sense of reality in relationships is so jaded at times. My sense of independence is also strong. I wouldn’t say that I fight relationships but I want to fight off the ones that I don’t feel are right for me.Perhaps, my curiosity begins with the idea of comfort and settling. I don’t understand the relationships of my friends who choose to stay in emotionally abusive places and limit themselves only to what they know. What’s the purpose in that? When I ask those challenging questions they are often offended and respond with simple:

“Well why should you worry, you’re not the one in this,” or
“I’ve been with him for X amount of years, so you don’t get it”.

Its not that I don’t get it. I do. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing someone’s potential and seeing how so scared they are of fulfilling it. Again, I just don’t get it. The idea of comfort can only get you so FAR. I’m too curious. I’m too open to new experiences. Maybe I’m too afraid to face things too in a way. I’ve been in my own share of unhealthy, mind twisting, soul changing relationships. And how do I feel? How did I feel at the end of it all?

Well, there isn’t really an end. Its a matter of learning how to manage it as it happens sometimes. But again- its a matter of self preservation. I love you dearly and immensely but give me a minute to hide away for a minute or two. Sometimes I think- that maybe – I’m the one full of immaturity. But a closer reassessment of various situations just proves everything I’m experiencing is new.

I don’t really know where my original idea was going with this. I just don’t get relationships structured around fear, comfort and insecurity. What’s the point?

 

Awkward, on a darker note. April 19, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 5:27 pm
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There has been plenty of deaths going around these past two weeks. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I haven’t experienced any close deaths in either one of my families. All four of my grandparents are alive and well. Extended aunts, uncles and cousins as too; all living, pumping blood, active and most importantly – breathing.

My coworker’s mother passed away two weeks ago. I wasn’t sure how to approach the situation or talk about it. I’ve always felt the generic “I’m sorry for your loss” phrases are so not heartfelt. So, I wrote them a letter instead. This is what I wrote:

I’ve never ever experienced a death on my close family. I have no idea what that feels like, what it looks like or how to even begin identifying the first emotion of it. I cannot imagine nor relate to what you’re experiencing. I just hope you are okay, strong and forgiving. Life never makes sense, when things occur at the times that they do, we will never understand fully. I suppose that is almost the rare beauty of it all. This mysterious unknown space of time-testing our reactions to see how we will cope and most importantly heal.

I wish you and your spouse the best during this time. I know its easy for many to say “I’m sorry for your loss” however, I’ve never met your mother in person so I do not know what type of woman she was. But one thing I’m sure about is she had to be a hell of a woman for raising such a good person as yourself. 

So, I’m sorry that you are experiencing what you’re going through. As someone who has crossed your path in life, you have my full support and positivity; again I wish you nothing but strength during this time.

Take your time through these times and be there for your father as much as you can. You both have each other. Most importantly know that you’re not alone during this time. Somehow in some strange way, we are all in this together.”

The other three deaths in my circle of friends have also been quite tragic. I didn’t get to write them a letter but I have prayed for them, I suppose that’s all I can do.