A Tale of Two Chicas

eating dinner alone. May 16, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 9:03 pm
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I just finished having dinner alone at the Rocking Horse, a restaurant bar place by my house. Its very close and walking distance home. Why I love to eat here and drink here:
Everything on their menu is awesome. They have a great drink menu. I absolutely love drinking Ace’s Pear Cider Beer.

I’m glad my dad taught me how to eat dinner alone at a young age. I used to be real weird about it feeling extremely awkward sitting by myself while others around me enjoyed their meals in company of friends. I can still distinctly remember the first time I ever had dinner alone.

I was 15 living on Vashon Island, Washington for the summer with my dad. There was a chinese restaurant on the island which we would frequently visit. My dad told me the only way I’d ever learn to really understand people and deal with them is by learning to deal with myself first. He told me I should go have dinner at this place alone and deal with the awkwardness. He said that in the larger image of life that one dinner alone wouldn’t really matter and if I never wanted to do it again, I wouldn’t have to.

My dad’s taught me a lot about life at a very young age. I guess I wasn’t quite ready to understand the deeper meanings of his lessons at the time. So where does that leave me now? Well, I don’t know. Its not too difficult. Sometimes I like to eat alone. The end.

 

annoyance.

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 5:37 pm
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Its annoying when people say:

“Wow, why are you single?”

“How can you not have a boyfriend?”

“Damn, your last relationship might have really messed you up.”

“You’re still heartbroken.”

All equally annoying. I’m not single because I’m messed up. I’m not single because I have a “huge wall”. Those who knew me prior to my last relationship would know that I’ve always been this cautious, cool, collective type of person. With reserved emotions and chicken shit tendencies. It’s not new information people.

 

I don’t wanna be a cat lady.

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 1:17 am
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Dear Sonia,

Ever have that moment when you believe that everything you’re experiencing is amazing? That moment when life feels like pure gold. That moment when you are on top of the world. Life feels pleasantly perfect and for just that moment absolutely nothing can take that glow away.

Yeah, those moments are awesome but it really sucks when they begin to fade away. Sheer brilliance diminishes and you’re set back to wonder what the hell just happened. Life gave you a whirlwind of high positives and boom- its gone again.

When moments like that occur I’m left to wonder if maybe my outlook and optimism is unnecessary. Some days I find it easier to set a low enough expectation just so I don’t trip myself up again. When it comes to matters of the heart I get easily annoyed with my mild, child like, cautious nature.

Blegh. I’m fed up and full of annoyances today. Some day when we’re 45, we’ll laugh at these days right? I’d hope so.
I just wish I wasn’t so awkward. I always walk and dance to my own beat but I get impatient when someone can’t keep up. I don’t wanna be a cat lady.

I hate this Chicago weather somehow it manages to depress me,

Yessica.

 

Just Be Yourself. May 15, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 1:41 pm
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I believe that at times in our lives it can be very difficult to be yourself around people. We are quick to pass judgements, assumptions, and create a false sense of reality.  Sure, I’ll admit: I’m the first person to make assumptions about situations and people I know very little about. I’ve always been that way since I was kid. I think a lot of it has to do with growing up constantly observing my changing environment. I can quickly identify how people around me communicate with one another.

I don’t understand why we continue to live in a safe comfort zones when it comes to all relationships. I often wonder why and cannot determine a reasonable answer. Its hard to be honest with people and much harder to be honest with yourself. But why not just give it a try?

 

Growing Up. May 4, 2011

Filed under: Chicago Chica — Yessica @ 12:23 am
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Dear Sonia,

I like how you refer to your special someone as Boo Thang. I refer to mine as Lover.
Do you think we are growing up? I hope so.

Miss you amiga,

Yessica.

 

judgements. April 28, 2011

I’ve never been able to understand the perspectives of peoples relationships. That’s one thing that has never, ever, ever made any sense to me. I suppose that at times its much easier to maintain unhealthy-comfortable-drama infused relationship than walk away. I think that there are times in this life and times in relationships that require a break, willing or unwilling whichever, time is often necessary. Self preservation, self respect and most importantly self love.

“I love myself enough to know that its time to walk away.”

“I love myself enough to know its time to take a break.”

“I love myself enough to wish peace upon others and wish happiness upon them.”

My sense of reality in relationships is so jaded at times. My sense of independence is also strong. I wouldn’t say that I fight relationships but I want to fight off the ones that I don’t feel are right for me.Perhaps, my curiosity begins with the idea of comfort and settling. I don’t understand the relationships of my friends who choose to stay in emotionally abusive places and limit themselves only to what they know. What’s the purpose in that? When I ask those challenging questions they are often offended and respond with simple:

“Well why should you worry, you’re not the one in this,” or
“I’ve been with him for X amount of years, so you don’t get it”.

Its not that I don’t get it. I do. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing someone’s potential and seeing how so scared they are of fulfilling it. Again, I just don’t get it. The idea of comfort can only get you so FAR. I’m too curious. I’m too open to new experiences. Maybe I’m too afraid to face things too in a way. I’ve been in my own share of unhealthy, mind twisting, soul changing relationships. And how do I feel? How did I feel at the end of it all?

Well, there isn’t really an end. Its a matter of learning how to manage it as it happens sometimes. But again- its a matter of self preservation. I love you dearly and immensely but give me a minute to hide away for a minute or two. Sometimes I think- that maybe – I’m the one full of immaturity. But a closer reassessment of various situations just proves everything I’m experiencing is new.

I don’t really know where my original idea was going with this. I just don’t get relationships structured around fear, comfort and insecurity. What’s the point?